Skin Research

I’ve been looking into natural ways to tighten my skin. After losing weight so quickly my skin hasn’t snapped to my new frame yet. I don’t really know if it will or not so I’ve been looking into ways to help it along. I’m thinking about ice therapy. I’ll definitely look into is a bit more.

Update and Skin

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So… this week didn’t go so well. Bad news is, I didn’t lose anything. Good news is, I didn’t gain. Despite all the crap (and yes, it was crap) that I ate this week I’m still at 140. And I ate dinner 4 out of 7 days since last Friday D: .

Lately, I’ve been getting tons of complements and surprised looks. A friend I haven’t seen in maybe eight or more months (who is a wannabe gym rat, you know the guy who’s always at the gym but never has any results to show for it) and he said he was proud of me :P.

In all honesty, it does make me swell with pride, but at the same time I feel bad about past Briana. How I convinced myself back then that the size I was back then was okay and it was just my imagination and I should be happy, despite not feeling like myself. Which, for me wasn’t okay. I loved my body the best when I was a kid and all I used it for was backflips and running around and playing in the clothing racks in TJ Maxx. I just want a body like that again. A body that I don’t have to think about too much. I want the ability to throw on anything I want (and look sexy when I feel like it of course) and not have to worry about something being inappropriate on my body type. I don’t want to be thin, I just want to feel “normal” again. That, and I can definitely feel my extra weight on my body. But, like I’ve said before, all I talk about is weight, when it’s more than that. I have other minor complexes, too, like skin and nails and hair. But, those are like sidequests in this game of perfection (sorry, gamer talk).

I should probably also say I say “perfection,” meaning my own personal perfection. Not society’s view of it.

As for skin, my skin has been DEPLORABLE. When it comes to acne (this is pretty personal :P) I get face, back, and butt acne. And they’re all triggered by something. I only get acne when I’m doing something wrong. I get butt acne for wearing short skirts and sitting in public places. The pimples pop up in less than an hour. I get backne from wearing the same shirts repeatedly without washing them (unless obviously unclean, I try to give shirts two wears before washing them). And I get facial acne from touching my face, which is a nervous habit of mine. And since I’ve made to become more social this school year I’ve been walking through crowds, my back rigid, scratching absently at several nonexistent itches on my face.

I am going to figure this out. Oatmeal facials work well for my face, but I’ve been too lazy to do them. I started using moisturizer on my butt, and it seemed to work, but then some more popped back up. As for my back. As long as I shower everyday and don’t repeat shirts it seems happy.

I had no issues with ANY OF THESE THINGS before I turned 21. I had FLAWLESS skin everywhere. Okay, I did have scars from tumbling around as a kid. And who doesn’t have stretch marks? Bah, oh well. It’s all a part of the journey.

Fat Friday

Actually watching Freaky Friday as I write this post, lol.

So I weighed in and the verdict was………140.0! Yay!! Last week I went from 151 to 144.5. I could’ve probably lost a lot more if the quality of my food had been better. I ate HORRIBLY. Quik Trip corn dogs and taquitos. Arby’s curly fries, mac n’ cheese and all that. I also ate dinner three nights (Thursday, Friday, and Saturday ;P). Haha, some people might be thinking “Why are you complaining?? You got to eat all that and STILL lost weight?” And to that, I say, no. I’m not complaining.

It’s a bit annoying though. I was so close to making the 130s. The scale actually said 139.4 for a millisecond before bumping up. But I don’t mind. The lowest weight I’ve seen on the scale since I’ve been an adult is 141. So, to see a number I haven’t seen before is exciting. Now onward and upward! I’m not gonna lie, I was terrified that I would gain (from eating all the crap), because that’s happened before.

And so now I am exactly ten pounds away from my goal weight! Wahoo!

Also, this blog is supposed to be about my ENTIRE body. But my entire body is a work in progress. So, I think I’m going to have a theme everyday. Today is Fat Friday, where I talk about my weight.

Saw My Crush

I saw my crush today, and yes, I was wearing shorts, lol.

Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “You still have crushes at 22?” and to that I reply, “Just one.” Now the story of my crush is a long one (something I won’t tell you about now), but I’ve “liked” him all four (going on five) years of college.

Long story short, freshman year I first saw him. I started having dreams about all of the guys I liked at the time (it was at least 7 :P, though I liked him the most) and I had two dreams about him, both of which ended well (which they never do). Those dreams kept me liking him all this time, even though I never really see him. Every once in a while, I’ll forget about him totally and start wanting to date other guys, then I’ll have a really good and vivid dream with him in it and I get caught up again. It’s annoying. I embarrassed myself around him pretty bad as a freshman, and though I don’t know for sure, I’m pretty sure he remembers that stuff. And I’ve never even spoken to him. I don’t even know the sound of his voice (my best friend, who’s heard him speak, tells me I’m not missing anything lol).

I’ve been using him as motivation all this time. Not that I want to be with him (though of course if he were to approach me I’d be all for it), but I want him to notice me in that way. He has a girlfriend now, though, but I still see him checking other chicks out. I want him to look at me and go, “Wow, that crazy stalker girl is sexy!”

My Legs, My Friends, and My Self Esteem

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[ignore my expression! i felt awkward :P]

Growing up, I always thought my legs were fat. As I got older, I was told they were thick. Whether that was good or bad was up to the viewer. I would always wear shorts anyway, because they were comfortable and I could (as with everything else pertaining to my appearance) see myself through rose colored glasses.

In my Junior year in college (two years ago) I made friends with a guy who liked me. After I explained I didn’t feel the same, we became friends. He had a girlfriend and everything, and we would often eat lunch together (not with the girlfriend). During this time, summer was approaching, and for comfort reasons, I began wearing shorts. Now, I looked in the mirror and saw the same chunky legs I always did, but didn’t think anyone else saw. I had some cellulite going on and my legs were a bit wiggly, but once again, nothing I thought was seriously noticeable.

One day, I asked my friend (since I’d been thinking about it) “Do you think I can wear shorts?”

He replied honestly, “I think your legs would look better in pants.”

I didn’t wear shorts for a whole year after that. Not until just recently in fact. Not because I was ashamed or had my feelings hurt. I just didn’t want to be “that girl” who (in a Stewie Griffin voice) “had no business in shorts.” It was something that I wanted to save until my legs were toned.  I thought I could at least get away with it, but apparently , no, I couldn’t.

Now, you might say, “What type of friend is that? That’s not a real friend!” as my mom would say. And, yes, it is. I asked him a question and he gave me an honest answer that saved me a lot of embarrassment. I didn’t want to be blissfully ignorant, and I find that guy friends are the most blunt.

Besides, had he not told me that I wouldn’t be working on my legs. I personally can’t tell if I can wear shorts, but I’ve been wearing them! Every day in fact. It’s so hot in Atlanta!

How My Week Went

Well, it’s the end of the week and here’s how this week turned out.

I started at 151, right? (at least that’s what it was last I looked two weeks ago). All week I danced in the morning and had no dinner.

I accidentally saw my weight Thursday when I went to the doctor. The doctor’s scale said 145 in the middle of the day with shoes and (light) clothing. It was also my brother’s birthday and I ate a Wendy’s salad for dinner (after having two taquitos from QuikTrip for lunch :P)

Friday (yesterday) I weighed myself in the morning before putting anything in my mouth and after peeing. I weighed 143. Friday night I went to the movies with my cousin and ate a QuikTrip taquito (as you can see, I like those) and a loaded hotdog (with cheese ‘o’. I tried to add chili, but they were out :P) at 10:30 at night.

This morning (without clothes and no BM) I weighed 144.5. Still good if I say so myself! That’s 6.5 lbs in less than a week. I don’t count it as true, unwavering weight loss until I’ve ten pounds. Otherwise the weight loss doesn’t really stick. Though I saw a friend I hadn’t seen in three weeks yesterday and he asked if I’d been hitting the gym.

So, that is my update. I took some really demotivating pictures of myself yesterday and I think I’ll wait to put them up until the right time.

My goal is 130. So… 14.5 lbs to go!

A Brief Weight “Loss” Story (In a Brief Timeline)

I want to make this as short as possible. But, feel as though it needs to be written.

6th grade — I first started noticing my body.

7th grade — First thought I looked fat. I joined the cheerleading team and noticed that no one else’s thighs looked like a butt when they crossed their legs.

leg butt

8th grade— used to pride myself on not eating (though I was far from anorexic, which meant I could go more than 2 hours without thinking of food)

9th grade — Became obsessed with my actual weight on the scale. I was 140 at 14.

10th grade — 150 at 15.

11th grade — 160 at 16.

12th grade — 170 at 17 (yikes! notice a trend? :/)

(college)

Freshman — Started “exercising” at the school rec center (would eat a snicker bar after every workout :/) and began walking. Also worked at an ice cream parlor, so that negated everything. I didn’t get too far over 170.

Sophomore — Exercised and changed my eating habits some. I ate healthy foods, I just ate a lot. Lost 7 lbs on my own. Did the Scarsdale diet with my mom and lost 8 more lbs in 2 weeks. I did this the summer before sophomore year began. I was down to 155.

Junior/Senior — I changed some more of my habits, but my frequent bingeing kept the scale from budging ;P. I fluctuated frequently and went from crazy fatty bingeing to raw vegan. My body was not pleased and I got Shingles and a sinus infection from my yoyo dieting.

2nd Year Senior (current) —  The summer before, I stopped eating after 4:30. I would wake up at 8 every morning and dance for a solid hour, as hard as I could go without making myself sick. I lost some more weight in 3 weeks and weighed 141 lbs at my lowest. I would lose a lb for every day I didn’t eat dinner, but on the weekends I would and gain a pound back for every day I did. When school began, I stopped for a week to “regroup” and deal with school stress. But last I checked, the scale was back up at 151. But it’s strange, because everyone keeps noticing that I’ve lost weight that even I can notice. I’ll start weighing myself on Fridays to keep track. I was doing it every day previously, but that’s so stressful and depressing 😛

So yep, that’s the story. My goal weight is 130. When I weigh myself Friday, I guess I’ll see how far left I have to go.