I posted this picture of me on Facebook. I totally posed for this lol. And it was so much fun, even though it had to be forty-something degrees outside, it was worth it. And after posting it on my Facebook, I got the most likes I’d ever received on anything. It was nice, and something I’d wanted to do for a long time. I felt narcissistic, occupied, and creative. 🙂 Great Friday.
Today felt different. I woke up this morning and my family and I went to eat breakfast at Flying Biscuit. It was great, nice and packed with people but not too much of a wait for the food. Then, we rode around some of our old spots where we used to hang out and live when I was a kid. We even took my little brother into the exact same Toys R Us I used to love when I was his age (we’re 16 years apart).
But there was something strange about today. Riding on the road this morning, trying not to be too distracted by my father’s overly aggressive driving, I was staring out of the window and noticed that we were driving through a cloud. Not fog or mist, an actual low flying cloud. It was thick and white and fluffy and made it hard to see things in the distance.
Then, all day it had the feeling of early morning, even as it hit noon and evening, right up until the sun no longer touched the trees. I kept waiting for it to feel like evening, but it never did. Even now, the sun is setting and no longer visible but it’s still light outside, as if it’s merely overcast. Has it always been this way during Fall and I never noticed?
But morning always makes me feel empowered, like I can do anything with my day. And since the entire day felt like morning the feeling stuck with me all day. Hopefully, it sticks with me all week.
My week was not so stellar. All weekend I was sick with either a mild flu or a strong cold. I missed class Monday because of it and my teacher told me that my artwork sucked and I should think about dropping the class a day after the final drop day. I got my first flat tire ever and realized that I lost my ticket for driving without my headlights on and there might possibly be a warrant out for my arrest. And I didn’t see my crush all week.
And guess what? I also had dinner every night this week. Good dinners too, with seconds. I even ate an Angry Whopper and some Satisfries from Burger King last night. And it was delicious. I haven’t gained an ounce. Crazy right? I always figured it would be like this. When I was 170 I was a bit confused at my weight because I felt like I ate enough for a smaller frame but wasn’t losing weight even after I started making all of my healthy changes. Granted I ate a TON. But I eat a ton now. Idk, maybe taking on five flights of stairs to get to class every other hour actually helps. Or it could be the morning twerkouts.
But this month is already more than half way over. Time flies when you’re living for the weekend. And also, Halloween is getting dangerously close. There’s this haunted house called Netherworld that I pass by on my way home. The other day was the first day I went by in the dark and fog and flickering lights caught my attention and I thought, crap, I forgot I was trying to lose ten pounds by the end of the month. I really want to do it but have so little motivation. Before, I wanted to do it before school started back and it was warm outside. Now, with it getting cold, I don’t feel so motivated and with everyone having already seen my body and thinking I look good. But it’s for me. And I need to remember that.
As for skin, I had a mystery rash on my thigh over the summer and was prescribed many different medications by different doctors.
And there’s one more that’s missing. Yes, toss all of your rash cream jokes at me :P. The docs still don’t know what it is, but it goes away when I use the red tube and comes back if I stop for two weeks. Do you know what it is? I’ve been using both on my bum to see if they will smooth the skin. I did the red one week, and the blue another. Nothin’ doin’. Still rough. But I’ll figure it out.
Good news though, my big pimples are gone (I actually popped them with some nail clippers because they were so painful). Just waiting for the skin to lighten up and return to normal. I feel like they’re in such an awkward place :/.
Despite all the crap this week, it wasn’t so bad.
So, Halloween is approaching and I’ll say the clichéd, it’s the day when girls can dress slutty blah blah blah. I always wanted to be a genie for Halloween, but I’m over that now since it seems so “been done” and I have being-like-everyone-else allergies.
So this year I’ve decided that I want to be a tribal princess. I can’t remember exactly where I got the idea, but I know I haven’t seen it done before. But honestly, I’ll do anything if it means making black girls look good. And I think me in a sexy tribal garb would be a nice reminder that African oriented things are attractive, too. Buuuut, I wouldn’t dare be seen wearing such a thing without a little self improvement first. Which brings me to my next point…
I’m so painfully close to my goal weight, but I’ve gotten really comfortable where I am. Not like an “I’m fine at this weight” because I’m not. But as in, “I’m still getting used to my new body, and the attention I’ve been getting, and all the new things I’m getting to wear.” Plus, school stress that is a constant, and my commuter stress, and my lack-of-a-job stress. It’s not that those things are driving me to eat, but most days when I come home, I’m so tired from commuting and school that I don’t feel like being hungry, lol.
That being said though, I want to start back up with it next week. No promises, though. But if I really want to do this I better start now. Halloween is only 22 days away…
My friend told me that I was being a “buzzkill” when we went out last Friday. He didn’t say that, but I know that’s what he meant. We went out to a hookah bar and of course self conscious me was comparing myself to every female that walked past the large window we were sitting at. And I kept staring off into space thinking about my lack of a job and how I had spent $30 on gas for the weekend and how I couldn’t afford to be enjoying myself (though he paid for everything) and I was thinking about my crush (this was the day after my 3-second look and it was fresh on my mind).
He told me to stop worrying and just relax. But he could say that easily. He has his own apartment (I’m still living at home), has a reliable and pretty new (2009) car, and he obviously has the income to afford all of those things. He’s one of those guys who literally has just about everything going for him. So hearing him tell me to relax fell on deaf ears. I’m jobless and living at home off of student loans. I’m not gonna lie, life sucks for me right now. But, I’m sure it’ll get better. I just need a job making around $1000 a month and I’d be straight. But I couldn’t even get the movie theater up the street to hire me to sell tickets :/.
Good thing about that weekend though. They were filming Dumb and Dumber 2 just a block away from the hookah spot and I got to see Jim Carey :D.
So, as I said in a previous post, my skin has been hating my diet lately. In my defense, I went out and bought some kale and bananas and plan on maybe making some breakfast smoothies or green oatmeal (which is really tasty). I bought some kettle corn to eat for lunch this week and I’m actually pretty excited about that, lol.
But anyway, with my skin. I’ve been doing some reading and I think that I’m going to try a few things. I’ve read these things help:
- Alcohol (dries out the skin rids it of puss, but too much will actually attract more acne)
- Moisturizer (to counter act the dryness, but not too much)
- Daily washing (I already wash twice a day, more than that seems like excess)
- Oatmeal/honey/yogurt/some type of soothing humectant (I’d do this three times a week)
I’m trying to get serious because one of my jerk friends asked me yesterday if I had herpes -___-.
I just tried rubbing over my skin with ice, then with rubbing alcohol (70%), then with moisturizer. In the picture my skin is actually inflamed from me rubbing it, hence why they’re horrifically red lol. But they actually aren’t that noticeable. Or at least I don’t think so.
(Me in regular lighting.)
So I’ll see how that works.
I haven’t posted in a while because a lot of my focus has been on inner beauty instead of outer lately. But, having inner beauty is still a part of being perfect.
So I guess I’ll start with brief updates.
My weight has so far been the same-ish. I actually finally cracked the 130s! I’m now 139.2. That’s crazy since I’ve been eating Burger King for dinner all week and haven’t so much as touched anything green :P. I will admit though, the changes I’ve stuck to (dancing for 30 mins every morning, shunning the elevator, and walking around on my breaks) probably have been helping a lot. Most of the time my body has that just-left-the-gym feel to it (feeling fatigued, yet energized at the same time) when I definitely haven’t.
I’ve been getting tons of notices and compliments. More than normal. I think most people are just shocked that I lost anything at all. Like I said, I was 155 for three years. Thinking about how easy it was to lose this weight (2 weeks of simply no dinner and dancing in the morning) and how big a change it made is makes me wonder exactly why it took so long.
I honestly think praying for the right thing helped. I often prayed to God that I would lose weight without getting sick of doing anything horribly unhealthy or would pray that I figure out some way to lose weight. I began to ask that He send me something that works for me. Some way for me specifically that works and I can stick too. Because really, I’ve just been eating crap! Though my skin is making me pay for it with painful (albeit not very noticeable) pimples.
I think the trick is really making it so there is little room for error. In the morning I’m rushing around from the time I get up to get everything done. Dancing in the morning de-stresses me and gets me ready for the day. By the time I have to leave I don’t have time for some big fancy high calorie breakfast (I know it’s good to have a big breakfast, but not what I was eating) and eat a meal bar instead. And since I’m broke and jobless, I don’t have money to splurge on high calorie lunches and have been eating Campbell’s Soup at Hand and granola bars during the day.
I think I should also mention that I’ve decided to pursue my crush. Which is huge, since worrying about my image was the reason I never talked to him in the first place. I’m wondering whether I should document that journey (however it may turn out) on here or if I should make another blog. I’ll see where this goes. It’s a pretty convoluted thing that’ll greatly get away from the purpose of this blog which is about me and my goals. Well I guess he’s technically a goal…
I decided that since my body is more in order I can use it to seduce him, lol. I have a plan that’s set in motion. I wore a “sexy” (I guess I’d call it) outfit last Thursday that my best friend who was walking behind me at the time later told me elicited a three-second look from him. Ooo, lol. But seeing him is rare so I’ll see where it goes, lol.
I want to tone up my skin and I’ve heard good things about ice for toning the skin. So I think I’ll start taking ice baths on Monday and depending on how I feel about it I’ll see how many days a week I do.