Job Blues

My boss imparted some scary knowledge on me yesterday. I recently started working for a toy store where I’m supposed to be peppy and chipper all the time. I’d only worked on the floor actually interacting with guest twice before working it a third time last night. At the end of the night I went and talked to my manager about receiving more hours since I’d only worked three times in three weeks.

She said, “Well, to be honest, today is the first day that we’ve seen the girl from the interview.”

I felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest. I said, “Maybe that’s because I’m getting more familiar with the store and answering costumer’s questions.” Which is true, the more familiar and comfortable I am with a job, the better job I do.

I’m going to tell you a secret. I’m really awkward. The store I work at is all about costumer interaction, which really sucks for an awkward turtle like me. Finding the perfect place to say “Hi! How’s everyone doing?” or “Finding everything you need?” or “We’re having a half-off sale today” is hard enough, but it doesn’t stop there for this store. It’s also “Oh! Are you a princess? Are you going to a royal ball to meet your prince?” or “Cool! You’re a superhero? Can you fly?” All that stuff is hard for me when the parents are right there staring at me lol.

I was never good at being corny on purpose. I’m a very laid back person and I prefer interacting with costumers as I see opportunities to, so as not to crowd them.

But this isn’t what scared me. What scares me is that because of this, my boss wasn’t giving me any hours. She was probably hoping I’d quit. She was withholding hours (and therefore money) from me because I was being myself. And she said that yesterday was the first day she’d seen me chipper, which I didn’t get because I was acting the same to me. Which is what bothers me. I’m naturally laid back but also goofy and quirky, which is what got me the job in the first place. Could I have let my insecurity of not knowing the store well show? Or had I looked a little bitter that my boss was being short with me for not knowing how to operate the cash register efficiently my first day? I’d thought it a coincidence that she had me working the back of the store, never at the register, and only once a week. But no, it was deliberate. And I was promised a full time position after the holiday season initially. That’ll probably be a flop too.

That scares me.



So, you’re probably wondering where I’ve been for the past month or so. Well, I’ve been suffering through the broke-college-student-who’s-loan-money-has-ran-out-and-still-has-car-insurance-gas-and-other-bills-to-pay syndrome (whew, that’s a long one). Yep, the loan money, my safety cushion, is all gone and I’m now living on the meager, practically minimum wage retail job that only gives me five hours a week (so much for the holiday season rush). And I have the blues 80% of the time, not quite full on depression, but definitely not happiness or even content. I’m gonna get sick soon. My body hates stress. (The last few times I got stressed I got shingles and an ongoing sinus infection, yikes!)

But, yes. That is my life. I’m still living at home, so I’m not homeless but my folks are starting to treat me like a bum and I have less rights now than I did in high school :P.

On another note, I have been enjoying something I never thought I would. Eating ALL I want and not paying for it a single bit! That’s crazy. But, I’m still taking the stairs all the time (my building at school even posted these cute posters in the elevator about the benefits of taking the stairs and on the stairs in the stairwell it says things like ‘aren’t you glad you avoided that awkward elevator small talk?’) But other than that, I go no higher than 142 on a regular day.

I actually have a confession to make. Remember when I said that I wanted to start back up my weight loss so that I could be sexy and stuff for Halloween? Well, I lied. Well… I reneged. I knew that with the holiday season coming up and school getting harder and it getting colder, there was no way I was gonna be able to give up eating dinner (even though it was really easy when I was doing it). Food, though it shouldn’t be, is a comfort that I need for handling stress. I can’t say how many stressful days I’ve had at school that only knowing that when I get home I’ll get a nice warm meal has solved. Especially since there’s no heat in my car and I have an hour long commute in 40 degree weather (each way). But, it is nice to not worry about what I’m eating for once.

As for Halloween, I did the African Princess thing! BUT… Well, let’s just say that I thought my costume was cute and so did a lot of other people. But my hyper socially aware friends pointed out to me that I made the mistake of appropriation. Meaning I picked out things I liked about different African cultures, put it all on and called myself an “African” princess. That’s like putting on a Native American headdress and with a tomahawk and calling myself a “Native American” warrior. It’s culture appropriation and I figured since I’m black and going as a black princess (albeit of a different black culture) it was fine. But… well, for the rest of the night I referred to myself as just a princess. And even now I’ll say that I was an African inspired princess.

That’s the update :). As for perfection, I started using shea butter on my bum again :D. So far so good, I’m nice and smooth. Thinking of doing a homemade chemical peel soon! Need to get rid of the leftover rash scars 😛 (TMI?)