My 10K Flop

running

This weekend I was in the Peachtree Road Race, which is the largest 10K in the world, that takes place on the 4th of July. Every year, I look forward to it like crazy. This year was my seventh time. There’s always a lot of people, bands playing, runners, walkers, people cheering from the sidelines, people advertising, water spraying to cool you off, police standing guard, cross dressers, dogs in 4th of July gear, people in tutus, and every type of person you can see.

The morning of, my mom and I (who I run with) were going so slow. We began conversations standing in the hallway. I tried to sink wash my gyms clothes (I had nothing clean), throwing them in the dryer at the last minute, stalling for more drying time. It was my 7th time and her 13th and we thought we had it down.

Well, we were in the S wave this year, and the waves end with Y. (Why no Z wave? Idk) The Y wave left at 9:05 am… when were just arriving on our train’s platform. The platform, normally full of fellow runner’s, was empty. There was even a guy running back to his car with a finisher’s bag as we were boarding the train.

We crossed the starting line at 9:20. And when we got there, the strip used to track your time was already inactive, so we don’t have a recorded starting time. Also, we had to run 2 miles to reach any people. We ran for an extra mile just to solidify it.

In the beginning, I was so bummed. But my mom was positive (if only because I was negative) and as we ran, darting through the cleanup crews that were staring at us like we were crazy, as well as a few other late comers, I had to hold my composure and I put my months of training to work and ran three miles in. That was my shining accomplishment. I couldn’t believe training actually paid off. And after I was so depressed in the beginning.

It was still depressing, though, lol. They ran out of finisher’s bags that had the t-shirts and my mom was pretty pissed about that. And we missed a lot of the fanfare that I loved so much, even with the remaining people packing up cheering us from the sidewalk. And we both realized that had we not ran, we would have never caught up, which scared me.

After a mile, and then another with no people we were starting to lose hope. But we eventually caught up, my mom hadn’t had trained in running at all. I’m so proud of her.

But that’s never happening again. I love that race and all the pop and noise way to much to miss out again. But it did show me what I was capable of. So for that I’m grateful 🙂

Advice on Moving Out?

So, I’m 22 going on 23 in July and I still live at home with my parents. I have about $1000 saved in loan money (yeah, I know). I want to move out so bad. I go to school 40 miles away in the city and the 1.5 hour commute (for one way) is hell on my car, my bank account, and my time. I want to live closer to the city and apartments there are about $700 – $800 for a common studio apartment. With a roommate and two bedrooms it’d be about $450 – $500 for each of us (on the lower end). As an art student, it’s vital that I make connections and meet people but I’m stuck in the suburbs with a curfew and a low income.

I know some people might say, ‘you do what you have to do’ and that doesn’t work for me, my car can’t withstand the drive and my bank can’t withstand my car needing any more repairs (it’s 17 years old and I can’t afford a new one).

Now on to this issue. My job (I work as a student assistant at my school in web development doing graphic design) has told me that they will hire me on during the summer as a temp. As such, I’d be making $10/hr 26 hours a week leaving me with $1040 per month which is a decent number (I think) to move out on. But here’s the catch, it’s only for the summer. Once school starts back, they’re putting me back on work study where I’ll be making $8.75/hr up to 20 hrs a week :(.

Originally, they gave me two options. 1) Remain a student assistant over the summer for the aforementioned $8.75/hr up to 20 hrs a week. Or 2) become a temp worker and work at $8.75 for either 3000 hours and/or up to a year (then they would have to let me go for six months). They say that they really value me and want to keep me and it’s the first job that I’ve been able to really be creative. I know that I was only lucky enough that no real graphic designer applied for it.

You hear all the time when you are an art student that you need to find some way to make money while you produce your art. I want to be a comic artist (odd, I know) and realistically I don’t see success there (not without putting in real work). To be honest, I don’t need a “real” job (a 9 to 5, five days a week). The $10/hr 26 hours a week would be great if they’d only keep me at that rate. Then I’d have my time to devote to my passion. I was so depressed looking for jobs last year and going to interview after interview and never getting called back. I ended up stalking the Disney store who finally hired me only to make $7.75/hr.

Other people (friends and classmates) make moving out seem so easy! I don’t know a single person who’s at home (involuntarily). I feel like such an undesired bum! But anyway, my question is whether the deal they settled me with a better one than the previous ( number 2) deal? Any advice on moving out?

A Stirring in the Air

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Today felt different. I woke up this morning and my family and I went to eat breakfast at Flying Biscuit. It was great, nice and packed with people but not too much of a wait for the food. Then, we rode around some of our old spots where we used to hang out and live when I was a kid. We even took my little brother into the exact same Toys R Us I used to love when I was his age (we’re 16 years apart).

But there was something strange about today. Riding on the road this morning, trying not to be too distracted by my father’s overly aggressive driving, I was staring out of the window and noticed that we were driving through a cloud. Not fog or mist, an actual low flying cloud. It was thick and white and fluffy and made it hard to see things in the distance.

Then, all day it had the feeling of early morning, even as it hit noon and evening, right up until the sun no longer touched the trees. I kept waiting for it to feel like evening, but it never did. Even now, the sun is setting and no longer visible but it’s still light outside, as if it’s merely overcast. Has it always been this way during Fall and I never noticed?

But morning always makes me feel empowered, like I can do anything with my day. And since the entire day felt like morning the feeling stuck with me all day. Hopefully, it sticks with me all week.

Halloween

So, Halloween is approaching and I’ll say the clichĂ©d, it’s the day when girls can dress slutty blah blah blah. I always wanted to be a genie for Halloween, but I’m over that now since it seems so “been done” and I have being-like-everyone-else allergies.

So this year I’ve decided that I want to be a tribal princess. I can’t remember exactly where I got the idea, but I know I haven’t seen it done before. But honestly, I’ll do anything if it means making black girls look good. And I think me in a sexy tribal garb would be a nice reminder that African oriented things are attractive, too. Buuuut, I wouldn’t dare be seen wearing such a thing without a little self improvement first. Which brings me to my next point…

I’m so painfully close to my goal weight, but I’ve gotten really comfortable where I am. Not like an “I’m fine at this weight” because I’m not. But as in, “I’m still getting used to my new body, and the attention I’ve been getting, and all the new things I’m getting to wear.” Plus, school stress that is a constant, and my commuter stress, and my lack-of-a-job stress. It’s not that those things are driving me to eat, but most days when I come home, I’m so tired from commuting and school that I don’t feel like being hungry, lol.

That being said though, I want to start back up with it next week. No promises, though. But if I really want to do this I better start now. Halloween is only 22 days away…

A Buzzkill

My friend told me that I was being a “buzzkill” when we went out last Friday. He didn’t say that, but I know that’s what he meant. We went out to a hookah bar and of course self conscious me was comparing myself to every female that walked past the large window we were sitting at. And I kept staring off into space thinking about my lack of a job and how I had spent $30 on gas for the weekend and how I couldn’t afford to be enjoying myself (though he paid for everything) and I was thinking about my crush (this was the day after my 3-second look and it was fresh on my mind).

He told me to stop worrying and just relax. But he could say that easily. He has his own apartment (I’m still living at home), has a reliable and pretty new (2009) car, and he obviously has the income to afford all of those things. He’s one of those guys who literally has just about everything going for him. So hearing him tell me to relax fell on deaf ears. I’m jobless and living at home off of student loans. I’m not gonna lie, life sucks for me right now. But, I’m sure it’ll get better. I just need a job making around $1000 a month and I’d be straight. But I couldn’t even get the movie theater up the street to hire me to sell tickets :/.

Good thing about that weekend though. They were filming Dumb and Dumber 2 just a block away from the hookah spot and I got to see Jim Carey :D.

Updates

I haven’t posted in a while because a lot of my focus has been on inner beauty instead of outer lately. But, having inner beauty is still a part of being perfect.

So I guess I’ll start with brief updates.

My weight has so far been the same-ish. I actually finally cracked the 130s! I’m now 139.2. That’s crazy since I’ve been eating Burger King for dinner all week and haven’t so much as touched anything green :P. I will admit though, the changes I’ve stuck to (dancing for 30 mins every morning, shunning the elevator, and walking around on my breaks) probably have been helping a lot. Most of the time my body has that just-left-the-gym feel to it (feeling fatigued, yet energized at the same time) when I definitely haven’t.

I’ve been getting tons of notices and compliments. More than normal. I think most people are just shocked that I lost anything at all. Like I said, I was 155 for three years. Thinking about how easy it was to lose this weight (2 weeks of simply no dinner and dancing in the morning) and how big a change it made is makes me wonder exactly why it took so long.

I honestly think praying for the right thing helped. I often prayed to God that I would lose weight without getting sick of doing anything horribly unhealthy or would pray that I figure out some way to lose weight. I began to ask that He send me something that works for me. Some way for me specifically that works and I can stick too. Because really, I’ve just been eating crap! Though my skin is making me pay for it with painful (albeit not very noticeable) pimples.

I think the trick is really making it so there is little room for error. In the morning I’m rushing around from the time I get up to get everything done. Dancing in the morning de-stresses me and gets me ready for the day. By the time I have to leave I don’t have time for some big fancy high calorie breakfast (I know it’s good to have a big breakfast, but not what I was eating) and eat a meal bar instead. And since I’m broke and jobless, I don’t have money to splurge on high calorie lunches and have been eating Campbell’s Soup at Hand and granola bars during the day.

I think I should also mention that I’ve decided to pursue my crush. Which is huge, since worrying about my image was the reason I never talked to him in the first place. I’m wondering whether I should document that journey (however it may turn out) on here or if I should make another blog. I’ll see where this goes. It’s a pretty convoluted thing that’ll greatly get away from the purpose of this blog which is about me and my goals. Well I guess he’s technically a goal…

I decided that since my body is more in order I can use it to seduce him, lol. I have a plan that’s set in motion. I wore a “sexy” (I guess I’d call it) outfit last Thursday that my best friend who was walking behind me at the time later told me elicited a three-second look from him. Ooo, lol. But seeing him is rare so I’ll see where it goes, lol.

 

Future Plans:

Ice Toning

I want to tone up my skin and I’ve heard good things about ice for toning the skin. So I think I’ll start taking ice baths on Monday and depending on how I feel about it I’ll see how many days a week I do.

Saw My Crush

I saw my crush today, and yes, I was wearing shorts, lol.

Now, I know you’re probably thinking, “You still have crushes at 22?” and to that I reply, “Just one.” Now the story of my crush is a long one (something I won’t tell you about now), but I’ve “liked” him all four (going on five) years of college.

Long story short, freshman year I first saw him. I started having dreams about all of the guys I liked at the time (it was at least 7 :P, though I liked him the most) and I had two dreams about him, both of which ended well (which they never do). Those dreams kept me liking him all this time, even though I never really see him. Every once in a while, I’ll forget about him totally and start wanting to date other guys, then I’ll have a really good and vivid dream with him in it and I get caught up again. It’s annoying. I embarrassed myself around him pretty bad as a freshman, and though I don’t know for sure, I’m pretty sure he remembers that stuff. And I’ve never even spoken to him. I don’t even know the sound of his voice (my best friend, who’s heard him speak, tells me I’m not missing anything lol).

I’ve been using him as motivation all this time. Not that I want to be with him (though of course if he were to approach me I’d be all for it), but I want him to notice me in that way. He has a girlfriend now, though, but I still see him checking other chicks out. I want him to look at me and go, “Wow, that crazy stalker girl is sexy!”