My 10K Flop

running

This weekend I was in the Peachtree Road Race, which is the largest 10K in the world, that takes place on the 4th of July. Every year, I look forward to it like crazy. This year was my seventh time. There’s always a lot of people, bands playing, runners, walkers, people cheering from the sidelines, people advertising, water spraying to cool you off, police standing guard, cross dressers, dogs in 4th of July gear, people in tutus, and every type of person you can see.

The morning of, my mom and I (who I run with) were going so slow. We began conversations standing in the hallway. I tried to sink wash my gyms clothes (I had nothing clean), throwing them in the dryer at the last minute, stalling for more drying time. It was my 7th time and her 13th and we thought we had it down.

Well, we were in the S wave this year, and the waves end with Y. (Why no Z wave? Idk) The Y wave left at 9:05 am… when were just arriving on our train’s platform. The platform, normally full of fellow runner’s, was empty. There was even a guy running back to his car with a finisher’s bag as we were boarding the train.

We crossed the starting line at 9:20. And when we got there, the strip used to track your time was already inactive, so we don’t have a recorded starting time. Also, we had to run 2 miles to reach any people. We ran for an extra mile just to solidify it.

In the beginning, I was so bummed. But my mom was positive (if only because I was negative) and as we ran, darting through the cleanup crews that were staring at us like we were crazy, as well as a few other late comers, I had to hold my composure and I put my months of training to work and ran three miles in. That was my shining accomplishment. I couldn’t believe training actually paid off. And after I was so depressed in the beginning.

It was still depressing, though, lol. They ran out of finisher’s bags that had the t-shirts and my mom was pretty pissed about that. And we missed a lot of the fanfare that I loved so much, even with the remaining people packing up cheering us from the sidewalk. And we both realized that had we not ran, we would have never caught up, which scared me.

After a mile, and then another with no people we were starting to lose hope. But we eventually caught up, my mom hadn’t had trained in running at all. I’m so proud of her.

But that’s never happening again. I love that race and all the pop and noise way to much to miss out again. But it did show me what I was capable of. So for that I’m grateful 🙂

Confessions of a Binge Eater

Oh the life of a chronic binger. I always look at people who are morbidly obese, or even more than moderately overweight and wonder “how the hell did they let that happen?” I always look at how I binge on like 3000 calories in a day, still stuffing food into my mouth while I’m full and my stomach hurts. Then I think about how I only do it once or twice a week. I guess that was enough to make me as the BMI calculator states, “slightly overweight,” but wasn’t enough to actually make me obese. Even though, on those days I felt like I should be.

I already know the cause of my bingeing, anxiety. Lately, I’ve been thinking of building a website (not a blog like this one) and it’s something I’ve been thinking really hard about (it’s even been drowning out my dreams). The thought of all the work and research and possible success and possible failure has been eating my brain. I haven’t figured out what I need to do about it yet. I normally settle my anxiety with gum and Candy Crush. But I’m out of gum and Candy Crush has gotten too hard, lol. So, I’ll have to find some other, hopefully productive, way to cope.

Today I had: hash browns, banana pudding, a Clif Bar, a grilled cheese, my brother’s grilled cheese crust, nachos, popcorn, and I’m sure I’m leaving stuff out, all in a 4 hour period 😛

My Body’s Timeline

me

I feel like I should have done this earlier :P. This is me throughout the ages. No, I’m not obese and some might argue that I have a nice body, I know I’ve heard it before. But I am overweight for my height (5’3″)

2008 – 160 lbs

2009 – 170 lbs

2010 – 155 lbs

2011 – 155 lbs

2013 – 140 lbs

Back to Work

Welp, school’s out and I’m back to finish what I started last summer.

Last summer, I began this blog to chronicle my journey to perfection, starting with my weight. A journey that was put on hold because of school and want of a social life. Now, while I am working (which I wasn’t before) I still have more free time.

Last year I went from maybe 155-159 lbs down to 140 lbs in about three weeks. Which is crazy right? I did this based on some type of internal “common sense” that I can’t really explain with science, but I dropped a pound a day doing it (letting myself “chill” on weekends). I’m 144 lbs average now (I ate like a pig over the winter, though 4 lbs ain’t that bad). My goal is hopefully around 130 but when I was 170 it was my goal to be 140 so who knows where I’ll be satisfied.

I’m pretty much still doing what I did last year: no food after 4:30 pm; some form of exercise everyday (I dance 4 days a week and run 4 days a week with 1 day of overlap); eat whatever I want but generally stay under 1100 calories (did you know eating fewer calories increases longevity? ok, maybe not that low, but it’s only temporary); and drinking lots of water. I keep it simple and bearable. The only real challenge is ignoring the habit to eat with my family for dinner.

I take caffeine tablets before working out (want a more natural way and thinking of trying bananas) and stalk my “thinspiration” daily to stay motivated. It’s still Kaylin Garcia by the way :), I follow her on Instagram and her picture is my screensaver. While I think we’d never get along in real life, her body is GREAT and close to what I think mine would be at her size.

Unlike last year, I care less about the scale and more about the measurements (since 140 used to be the magic number :P). Last time I checked my waist was either 28″ – 29″ and I want to be 26″ (an average for the girls whose bodies I like). I’m so close! Hopefully, this is the year that I’ll finally accomplish my weight goals. Then I’ll probably move to my skin.

So, thanks for reading and caring about my narcissistic goals in life!

(Oh, and I’ll try for more pictures, pictures are more fun than words lol)

Advice on Moving Out?

So, I’m 22 going on 23 in July and I still live at home with my parents. I have about $1000 saved in loan money (yeah, I know). I want to move out so bad. I go to school 40 miles away in the city and the 1.5 hour commute (for one way) is hell on my car, my bank account, and my time. I want to live closer to the city and apartments there are about $700 – $800 for a common studio apartment. With a roommate and two bedrooms it’d be about $450 – $500 for each of us (on the lower end). As an art student, it’s vital that I make connections and meet people but I’m stuck in the suburbs with a curfew and a low income.

I know some people might say, ‘you do what you have to do’ and that doesn’t work for me, my car can’t withstand the drive and my bank can’t withstand my car needing any more repairs (it’s 17 years old and I can’t afford a new one).

Now on to this issue. My job (I work as a student assistant at my school in web development doing graphic design) has told me that they will hire me on during the summer as a temp. As such, I’d be making $10/hr 26 hours a week leaving me with $1040 per month which is a decent number (I think) to move out on. But here’s the catch, it’s only for the summer. Once school starts back, they’re putting me back on work study where I’ll be making $8.75/hr up to 20 hrs a week :(.

Originally, they gave me two options. 1) Remain a student assistant over the summer for the aforementioned $8.75/hr up to 20 hrs a week. Or 2) become a temp worker and work at $8.75 for either 3000 hours and/or up to a year (then they would have to let me go for six months). They say that they really value me and want to keep me and it’s the first job that I’ve been able to really be creative. I know that I was only lucky enough that no real graphic designer applied for it.

You hear all the time when you are an art student that you need to find some way to make money while you produce your art. I want to be a comic artist (odd, I know) and realistically I don’t see success there (not without putting in real work). To be honest, I don’t need a “real” job (a 9 to 5, five days a week). The $10/hr 26 hours a week would be great if they’d only keep me at that rate. Then I’d have my time to devote to my passion. I was so depressed looking for jobs last year and going to interview after interview and never getting called back. I ended up stalking the Disney store who finally hired me only to make $7.75/hr.

Other people (friends and classmates) make moving out seem so easy! I don’t know a single person who’s at home (involuntarily). I feel like such an undesired bum! But anyway, my question is whether the deal they settled me with a better one than the previous ( number 2) deal? Any advice on moving out?

Be Careful What You Wear to Work

Inappropriate clothing can be distracting and may decrease office productivity.

My school semester is almost over. And with spring here (if Georgia even has a spring) it’s getting hotter and hotter, my solution to stay comfortable in warm weather is to wear less clothes. I’m currently a student assistant at my school (and have been for different departments since 2011) and clothing has never really been an issue. Between not having to work around my bosses and my general shame towards my body XD it’s just never come up.

But a few times (at most 3) this semester it’s been hot. And when I get hot, I get swamp crotch. This isn’t normally a problem if I’m not outside or moving. But walking from class up and down Atlanta gets VERY hot. So I’ve worn shorts. Thrice. And not just shorts, cutoffs. They aren’t all that short and come to a high school appropriate mid thigh. But apparently, shorts aren’t appropriate for work AT ALL.

Skinny jeans seem to be fine and even my boss wears them (with converse lol, idk if there isn’t really a dress code or what…) I asked at the very beginning when I first got the job (way back in January) if there was a dress code and she said no, as long as it wasn’t offensive. I didn’t know there was an implied “but no cutoff shorts” there. Or shorts period. Because today I mentioned the heat to my boss and said it would be easier if we could were less clothes to work, but that probably wouldn’t go over well. And she said something along the lines of “no shorts” and that was all I heard. I’d noticed her looking at them when I wore them before and even remember thinking, why is she looking at my legs? don’t my shorts pass the finger tip test? Lol, but this isn’t high school. I think for work there’s the dollar bill test, where no more than a dollar bill above the knee.

I guess I thought I could get away with it since I was a lowly student assistant. That’s a pretty bad thing. I should probably always want to impress my superiors 😛 So no more shorts for me. Hopefully since I don’t have summer classes and I’ll be straight in and out of work, it won’t be so bad.

Extra: Also, as for posting (if anyone’s even reading this, let alone consistently) I started this blog as an outlet for fulfilling my personal goals. I know I’ve been mostly obsessed with weight and there are girls’ bodies currently on my page, but it’s about perfection overall. Physically, mentally, socially, and spiritually. I’m just OBSESSED with my outer, which I want to reflect the inner. If that makes sense.

Awkard Situations

photo

It’s been such a long times since I’ve posted. Mostly it’s because I have nothing new to report. I put off weightloss until after winter because it was too cold to workout in my garage. But Spring is officially here and it’s finally warming up in GA after two snowmageddons.

Anyhoo. So I’m am super awkward at work. In fact, if I were at a job where I could have my own office with a closed door and never have to see or talk to anyone I’d be happy. I guess that’s called home, lol. Right now, I’m a student assistant in Web Development and the meager skills I’ve learned doing this measly little blog are starting to pay off. Only problem is, everyone I work with is much older than I am, like 10+ years older and it’s soooo hard talking to them. That on top of generally not knowing how to talk to people due to my reclusive artist ways and you get a mound of awkward. Plus, I’m new. My boss is ok, she’s like in her 30’s, but there are some ladies here 50+ and they freak me out. I think what bothers me is not knowing when it’s okay for me to do something. Like they were having a get together for a lady’s birthday and I went in just to say hello. I normally wait until someone walks by to speak, because they sit further back in the office than I do, and there’s no reason for me to go back there. Well, I walked in and no one looked particularly interested to see me and I wanted to just wave and say, “I just wanted to say hello.” And they could be like, “Hello, Briana, how was your break? Good? Okay, see you later.” But instead, I got distracted and instead address the woman who’s birthday it was because I hadn’t seen her in a long time. The pause was there for me to say hello to everyone when I first walked in, but I wasted it addressing only her and when I looked up, they were back to talking amongst themselves, and I was back to having no reason to be back there. There was a lady who addressed me (one of the 50 yr olds) and she offered me punch, but that was it. She didn’t ask about my break or my day. She kinda tuned back into to the convo they were already having. I poured up some punch, then I left without saying anything -__-. (<— as you can see by my immature emoticons I’m still very young)

So it was awkward. But I was used to it. I’m not corporate, I’m an artist. I don’t know how to, nor have the patience to make idle boring small talk. I’ll ask about your weekend to be polite, but after that, don’t expect much else :/. I know the boring small talk is necessary if you want to get ahead (my boss was talking a whole part-time position and not a work-study) and I’ve been laid off before for being recluse and unrelatable (almost every job actually), but I feel like it’s harder for me for some reason :/. Oh well, that was my awkward situation for the day.