So… this week didn’t go so well. Bad news is, I didn’t lose anything. Good news is, I didn’t gain. Despite all the crap (and yes, it was crap) that I ate this week I’m still at 140. And I ate dinner 4 out of 7 days since last Friday D: .
Lately, I’ve been getting tons of complements and surprised looks. A friend I haven’t seen in maybe eight or more months (who is a wannabe gym rat, you know the guy who’s always at the gym but never has any results to show for it) and he said he was proud of me :P.
In all honesty, it does make me swell with pride, but at the same time I feel bad about past Briana. How I convinced myself back then that the size I was back then was okay and it was just my imagination and I should be happy, despite not feeling like myself. Which, for me wasn’t okay. I loved my body the best when I was a kid and all I used it for was backflips and running around and playing in the clothing racks in TJ Maxx. I just want a body like that again. A body that I don’t have to think about too much. I want the ability to throw on anything I want (and look sexy when I feel like it of course) and not have to worry about something being inappropriate on my body type. I don’t want to be thin, I just want to feel “normal” again. That, and I can definitely feel my extra weight on my body. But, like I’ve said before, all I talk about is weight, when it’s more than that. I have other minor complexes, too, like skin and nails and hair. But, those are like sidequests in this game of perfection (sorry, gamer talk).
I should probably also say I say “perfection,” meaning my own personal perfection. Not society’s view of it.
As for skin, my skin has been DEPLORABLE. When it comes to acne (this is pretty personal :P) I get face, back, and butt acne. And they’re all triggered by something. I only get acne when I’m doing something wrong. I get butt acne for wearing short skirts and sitting in public places. The pimples pop up in less than an hour. I get backne from wearing the same shirts repeatedly without washing them (unless obviously unclean, I try to give shirts two wears before washing them). And I get facial acne from touching my face, which is a nervous habit of mine. And since I’ve made to become more social this school year I’ve been walking through crowds, my back rigid, scratching absently at several nonexistent itches on my face.
I am going to figure this out. Oatmeal facials work well for my face, but I’ve been too lazy to do them. I started using moisturizer on my butt, and it seemed to work, but then some more popped back up. As for my back. As long as I shower everyday and don’t repeat shirts it seems happy.
I had no issues with ANY OF THESE THINGS before I turned 21. I had FLAWLESS skin everywhere. Okay, I did have scars from tumbling around as a kid. And who doesn’t have stretch marks? Bah, oh well. It’s all a part of the journey.
Am I Perfect Yet? 